Greek Yogurt
by gluten elbows
Summary: For Octavian, this was the last straw. Yes, the Greek and Roman demigods had united to defeat Gaia. Yes, centuries of tension between the two groups was finally beginning to settle. But serving greek yogurt in the dining pavilion? Not under his watch. -A collection of one-shots featuring our least favourite legacy and his encounters with modern "greek" products.-
1. Greek Yogurt

**A/N: This one-shot has been in my system for a while now… Please review!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the PJO characters, setting or events. All greek yogurt goes to Octavian.**

**Greek Yogurt**

For Octavian, this was the last straw. Yes, the Greek and Roman demigods had united to defeat Gaia. Yes, the two camps were now joined. Yes, centuries of tension between the two groups was finally beginning to settle. But serving greek yogurt in the dining pavilion? Not under his watch.

The morning had started off well enough. Dressed in his glorious robes of white pristine bedsheets, he had made his way to the temple of Jupiter with a bag filled of stuffed animals. The sun seemed to shine on his back as he journeyed across the camp, a clear sign that Apollo favored him more than the other legacies of the god of music and medicine. After all, he _was_ pretty fabulous if he said so himself.

About halfway to the temple, he came across one of the girls from First Cohort, Livia. Octavian puffed out his chest and strutted by her, feeling rather pleased as she giggled and muttered under her breath. Something about... delusional? No... delicious! Yes, he was quite delicious!

He finally arrived at the Temple, feeling the power that flowed through his veins as he walked up the steps of the gold building. The domed ceiling that soared sixty feet into the sky seemed to bend to Jupiter, the optimus and maximus. He walked to the altar and brought out the sacrifices, lining them up on the floor.

Basking in the light provided by the windows, he slowly unsheathed his knife.

"Who goes first?" he asked the fluff-filled menaces, an insane grin overtaking his features. Just as he had selected the little green Minotaur in his little green diaper, Dakota (that unimportant drunk Fifth Cohort leader) came bursting through the doors, kool-aid flask in hand.

"Reyna w..wants to see ya," he slurred, before passing out. Octavian made a disgusted face; another mess someone needed to clean up.

_Meh, _he thought, _I'll let one of the newbies deal with it._

Knowing that an angry Reyna was a scary Reyna, he quickly decapitated the Minotaur and read the entrails. He gasped in horror.

_The two unite, and destiny is at peace_, it read. But... where was the angst? The bloodshed? The betrayals? This was going to be a very long day.

Once he finally reached Reyna, she wasn't very happy. Chewing decisively on those jellybeans on her desk, she glared at him as her horrendous dogs growled.

"Hello Octavian," she said. "I want a report on the entrails of the past week."

Ooh! A chance to create conflict!

"Well," he began dramatically, flinging his arms around for effect. "I have news."

Reyna motioned for him to continue, seizing him up through slitted eyes.

"Those traitorous _greeks," _he spat, "want to kill everyone, take over the world and-"

"Octavian, you said that last week. And the week before that."

"Yes but..."

"No buts. Get me a valid report. Better sooner than later."

With that, she casually took out her sword and picked out dirt from under her fingernails.

"Yes Mam," he huffed, and walked away.

Octavian walked to the dining pavilion, musing over possible ways to destroy the greek camp. After all, this relationship between the two groups was new and fragile. It should be simple to create unease and mistrust. But how?

He grabbed a bagel from an aura, oblivious to the stares and remarks he received from the others in the Legion. He finally decided that murdering that annoying Leo child would be the most strategic move when...

He screamed. Sitting on many of the tables in the hall were containers of yogurt. Low-fat, gluten-free yogurt. But most importantly, _greek_ yogurt!

"WHAT IS THAT?" he screeched, pointing to the hazardous food. "HOW FAR HAVE THE GREEKS INFILTRATED OUR LEGION? IS THIS WHAT WE'VE COME TO?

By now, the room was silent, amusedly watching Octavian rant. Some demigods, presumably offsprings of Mercury, had whipped out video cameras.

"WHEN WILL THIS END? THIS COULD VERY WELL BE THE END OF ROME, OH COMRADES! YOU DARE DISHONOR OUR ANCIENT GODS WITH THIS... THIS DAIRY PRODUCT?

In a display of his hatred for the breakfast dish, he took his sword and slashed the container, flinging the substance all over the hall (and therefore, the demigods). Reyna ran in, to see the legion reduced to squabbling, yogurt covered kids as the fought over who's turn it was to punch Octavian.

_Meh, _she thought, _I'll let one of the newbies deal with it. _

**_Please review! Or Octavian shall be forced to consume the dairy product!_**


	2. Eos Lip-Balm

**A/N So it turns out this fanfic won't be limited to a one-shot (it's just too much fun mocking Octavian. If you have anymore ideas****…**** Greek ideas****…**** to torment Octavian, leave me a review please!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the PJO characters, settings or events. All Eos lip-balm goes to Reyna.**

Octavian knew the day was going to go horribly wrong when the daughters of Venus started giggling. Because of that, he ran to Jupiter's temple as fast as he could, barricaded the doors and promptly prepared for 12 hours stuck inside.

He suppose he should have expected for disaster to strike today; after all, it was one of the few free days per year that the Legion had "off" (or at least after a few hours of brutal training and in his case, bossing people around). Frankly, he'd been wishing for a few peaceful hours spent decapitating stuffed animals, plotting the downfall of the Greeks, oh, and did he mention _plotting the downfall of the Greeks? _But nope, now he was fearing for his life.

Outside, he could still hear the little sirens squealing, their goddess of love heritage allowing their giggles to reach frequencies high enough to be barely audible by the demigod ear. Each shriek caused him pain... during the other days of the year, he usually was spared of their torturous wails (save if they were gossiping about some couple called Percabeth) which left him unprepared mentally and physically for the days they let their ear-bleeding screeches ring around the roman camp. When he had previously confronted Reyna about it, she glared at him (no surprise there) and told him she wasn't going to mess with Venus or any of her spawns. When he asked if that was because of Jason breaking her heart and yada yada, she sent her dogs after him which lead to a lovely afternoon being chased until they managed to "accidentally" push him off a cliff. If that wasn't enough, he suspected she was the one who had bribed the children of Mercury to pull a select few pranks on him involving knife-bearing stuffed animals and a toga filled with holes. Needless to say, now that he'd gotten a taste of her revenge, he wasn't going back.

He spent the first hour hiding in a corner of the temple, straining to hear what they were gossiping about. From what he'd gathered, they were playing a game called "truth or dare" and it had since resulted in a break-up, multiple make-overs, a most-likely fatal attempt to seduce Reyna and an overflowing bath-house. Yes, he was _not _leaving the temple anytime soon.

"Truth or dare, Livia?" he heard Elatha ask, her sickly-sweet voice filled with hidden plans of humiliation. Octavian strained to listen closer, trying to ignore how his heart sped up a fraction of a second at the thought of the First Cohort girl. After all, she was a _First Cohort girl. _Not some loser in the Fifth Cohort! And he _knew _she was totally into him. Although, if he was honest with himself, who _wouldn't _be into him! He was just so awesome!

Said girl groaned, clearly uncomfortable with the giggles that greeted her decision of dare.

"Wait... oh you _better not, _Ela, _I am not becoming bait for pranking that delusional, pig-headed..."_

_"__Yes you are! Oh, and you need to flatter him, and you need to ki..."_

_"__WHAT!"_

Octavian, of course, had heard none of that, too deep in thought pondering his awesomeness, and how it was so unfortunate he couldn't date himself.

~ One hour later... ~

Octavian had kept listening as the game went on, not quite paying the same amount of attention as he kept getting distracted with his gorgeous, gleaming reflection on the polished marble floors. Finally, a knock sounded on the locked door.

Octavian didn't answer purely out of fear... errr, honor, that is! Yes, the honor that held him to protect the temple from... whatever was outside.

"Octavian," a feminine voice called out, "I know you're in there."

"Livia?" he called, unsure of whether it was really those Venus scums using their strangely convincing voices to lure him outside. "Is that you?"

"Yes. Now open the bloody door or I'm going to break it down."

_Well someone's anxious to see me, _he thought with a smirk. _She just can't stay away! I'm too amazing!_

Quickly, the legacy took down the barricade and opened the temple door to reveal an annoyed and slightly disgusted Livia.

"Oh hello Octavian, your... greatness," she began, the words coming out of her mouth like vomit as she choked them out.

_Aw how sweet, she thinks I'm so fabulous she's getting nervous and stuttering!_

"Hello Livia! Is my service required, or shall I return to my extremely important analysis of the messages of the gods and saving the world?"

_Wow, she looks ready to run away. She must think my work is so important she feels sorry for interrupting! Wait... did she roll her eyes? Nah. She must be cleansing her retina so she can take in my glory with more precision. Yes, that's it!_

_"_Well... I was... dared by the Venus campers to kiss the most attractive and amazing boy at camp. So... ya."

Livia quickly pecked his cheek before running off, leaving a gloating and rather confused Octavian behind. In fact, he was so deep in thought he didn't notice her hurl in a rose bush.

_She's so lucky to have kissed me, _he thought, _but what's that smell?_

Sure enough, a strange mint odor hung in the air from her kiss... the scent of lip-balm.

"Oh Octavian!" Elatha's voice rang out charmingly. "Did Livia kiss you?"

"Yes..." he replied warily; you never knew with these Venus campers. What if they wanted to kiss him too? Yuck, they were _not _from the First Cohort.

"Was it nice? Did it smell minty fresh?"

Octavian narrowed his eyes.

"Perhaps you'd like to see the lip-balm she used."

Elatha threw him a blue circular-shaped lip-balm, which seemed harmless until...

"HOW COULD YOU? A... AN _EOS_ LIP-BALM? NAMED AFTER A GREEK GODDESS? UHH GET IT OFF!"

Octavian, who had long since flung the eos lip-balm back at the daughters of Venus, made a mad dash to the bathhouse, where he was reminded that it was flooded. _No matter, _he thought, _I must get this traitorous greek cosmetic product off my dashingly roman face! _He plunged into the water, resembling a drowning kitten as he violently scrubbed his cheek in an attempt to erase all trace of the clear mint lip-product. Outside the rest of the Legion roared with laughter as they watched him flail around. Oh course, that caught the attention of Reyna.

She walked over to where he was still flopping around, before pinning him in the chest with her boots.

"Have you learnt your lesson? Don't mess with me, Octavian," she said with a smirk, and pulled out an eos lip-balm.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," he screamed as she applied it generously to his face.

**Please review. Or Octavian will be cursed with chapped lips (by Venus of course) until he puts on the balm.**


End file.
